Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
