I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
