Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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