matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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