And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
God I need to hump something, right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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