I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
