I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
