I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
