fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
