there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
