The maid of honor just puked.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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