I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
