Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
