I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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