Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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