The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
