I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
