I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
