just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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