Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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