There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
