I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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