Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
