There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
