I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
