I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
