I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
