Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
