i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
