turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
