her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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