dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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