now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
