So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
