She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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