My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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