it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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