What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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