apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
