Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
