I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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