I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
