absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
