I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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