Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
A+ Viking dick
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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