I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We left the knife in your bed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
