So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
