my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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