you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
