he shaved USA in his pubs
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
