If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
